posted by Scene -- @ 11:00 PM

The Frightening World of Lizzie Maguire

Hilary Duff, Lizzy Maguire. There is no longer any difference. I run the risk of ridicule dedicating a whole half-hour of my life to writing about this girl, but let’s face it; she’s the most ubiquitous cultural force in our lives since hip-hop.

On my television screen weekly/nightly (I can no longer tell the difference); during her half-hour of televisual bubbly-ness, The Lizzie Maquire Show; on movie posters everywhere my head turns, advertising her co-starring role with Frankie Muniz in Agent Cody Banks or The Lizzie Maguire Movie; on MTV with her video/singing debut (some song off the soundtrack to her movie).

Duff is 15 years old. Not that I’m keeping track, mind you.

But to ignore Duff/Maguire’s sex appeal is pointless. Why bother? We all know it, and we’re all probably (hopefully?) disturbed by it. I could go on to describe how she looks, but let’s face it: you know how she looks. From head to toe, for whatever your reasons may be, you’ve checked it out.

Equal parts Jenna Jameson, Meg Ryan, and Goldie Hawn, Duff/Maguire is a melting pot of sex, innocence, and wonderfully goofy spunk. And as you debate the tastfullness of the word "spunk", take note, how many child actors can you make a comparison to Jenna Jameson with?

To be fair, it’s not Duff’s fault. I’m not like the media hawks and haters who descended on Britney Spears many mid-riffs ago just because she flashed a lil’ belly button. Whatever. Duff’s good looking, she’s got screen presence, and yes, she’s painfully endearing. Perhaps Disney should be blamed for her immaculately dolled-up appearance? For succeeding where the Olsen twins failed, by making people not care what age she is?

We could blame her genetic makeup, I guess, perhaps hormones in the water -- but for that I blame Disney as well. Allow me to posit for a moment: Duff is a robot. An android. A synthetic automaton concocted when the Disney scientists, in their star spangled and Pooh-spotted lab coats, decided to “bippity-bobbity-boo” up that certain Perfect Something. The first fully-realized Disney character, in all her Frankensteinian glory. Minnie Mouse with a head full of tousled blonde locks and a waist curvier than the San Francisco roadways. Cinderella with flesh . Young enough to appeal to seven-year olds, but channeling just the right amount of porn starlet to get everyone else to take notice. And she will be likeable. And funny. And sweet.

I firmly believe it has always been Disney’s goal to create a character that would become a genuine celebrity. One who would walk the carpets (as she does in her movie) with Catherine, Nicole, Tom and the rest. Mickey and gang had that golly-gee-gosh-darn innocence, but they lacked the something only a robot like Duff could provide.

And so it was created. And it was decreed that this robot would go on late night talk shows, and when asked what her favorite car is, she would innocently suggestively reply: “I Love Hummers!” To which fellow guest Arsenio Hall would spit out his water. And everyone would laugh along, and not say anything about it the next day, because they will understand why Hall had to spit.

Me? I prefer to avoid the girl. I try not to look. I refuse, like so many Twilight Zone suckas before me, to be fooled by the android. The Stepford Girl. The Monster. And I think you should do the same, before it’s too late. Or at the very least, wait another three years. At least by then, she’ll either revert back to being a pumpkin, or she’ll be legal. Either way, the creepy Disney magic will be *poof*, gone.

Jef.Catapang